Thursday, May 29, 2008

Conclusive proof that "asshattery" should be an actual word

Via The Agitator:

Town refuses occupancy permit for another unmarried couple.

My first thought was: what the hell is an "occupancy permit"? But having in the past briefly and reluctantly dabbled in real estate law, I remember that such a permit is sometimes required, typically w/r/t commercial properties, prior to allowing tenants to take possession of a property that has recently been constructed (or remodeled). This neat bit of nanny-state regulation is -- ostensibly -- for the purposes of assuring the safety and general occupability of the property for the tenants. I suspect its real purpose in many jurisdictions is to provide an opportunity for some petty graft by low-to-mid-level bureaucrats.

But the City of Black Jack, MO, whose website was apparently created by dozens of monkeys randomly typing bits of HTML code, has found a more novel use for the occupancy permit: refusing to bestow the honor of residency upon undesirables. Undesirables being defined, in this case, as people who choose to cohabitate without the benefit of marriage.

Putting aside the obvious question of why anyone in their right mind would want to live in an antediluvian backwater populated by sanctimonious asshats, let's examine the City's publicly stated justification for their self-evident imbecility:

The purpose of these occupancy permit laws generally is to:
avoid overcrowding by non-related parties,

[But of course overcrowding by related parties is perfectly ok.]

assure the lifelong maintenance of the cities housing stock,

[Aside from the ridiculous spelling error, does anyone have the slightest idea what the fuck this means?]

prevent new buyers from being obligated to repair residences that were not kept up to code,

[Because this goal could not be achieved by the "new buyers" engaging a duly licensed property inspector (as required by a mortgage lender or homeowners' insurance provider), or by, you know, going into the house they're about to purchase and looking around real good. And it certainly cannot be achieved without the proper degree of focus being placed on the familial status of the potential residents.]

preserve the character of the neighborhoods and the City

[Because, naturally, "character" can only be established by verifying that new residents have had their sex lives sanctioned by law and/or clergy.]

and to protect the general safety and welfare of the City’s residents.

[As always, every stupid fucking law on the books must have the obligatory "safety" justification thrown in for good measure, even where (or maybe especially where) it has no conceivable relevance or application whatsoever. Can you imagine going into court and arguing that an unmarried couple is somehow less safe to "the City's residents" than a married couple? Absurd.]

Fortunately, the ACLU has, with respect to the previous, similar incident alluded to in the headline above, filed a federal lawsuit that will, if successful, turn the City of Black Jack, its league of small and ignorant bureaucrats, and their entire community into a flat, smoking abrasion in the earth's crust.

UPDATE: I notice that the news article first linked above contains the following: "The city attorney says he’s willing to fight for the ordinance in court." I'm sure this is exactly what this guy had in mind when he chose a career in law and spent all of those long hours sitting in boring lectures, pulling all-nighters prepping for law school finals, studying for the bar, etc. He must be very proud that his 7+ years of upper level education has put him in the position of going into court and fighting for the right of a bunch of troglodytes to discriminate against people who don't quite meet their insanely stupid idea of what constitutes "character". Does he really need work badly enough to actually do this? I hope not, because that would be... something beyond pathetic that I can't think of a word for right now.

UPDATE II: For those of you still checking this site every now and then, yeah I know I've barely posted anything in the last month. I'm kinda burned out on blogging for the time being. Plus, it's Summer, and I've got a pool, a grill, and a blender.


Anonymous said...

Welcome back! Don't you have wireless out there by your pool? Can't you blog by Treo every once in a while? :)

bgirl said...

We appreciate the quality over quantity aspect of this site. No worries, poolboy. (Smidge of jealousy, there.)