Friday, July 6, 2007

maybe too much for one post...

but so what. A few (or maybe only a couple) of personal notes (and, for purposes of this post anyway: what, if anything, is the point of adopting the moniker "HipHopLawyer" if you can't talk about yourself in the third person?):

1. HipHopLawyer, in the olden days, wasn't what you'd call the sharpest knife in the drawer. Born with a fertile mind, he -- due to certain psychological impairments which we won't go into here -- nevertheless never grew emotionally beyond the age of 14. At which age he dreamed of sports cars, and hot young girls.

HipHopLawyer went through certain trials and tribulations. He did a lot of things that were, candidly, "bad" by any rational, grown-up measure of things. And HipHopLawyer was poor, financially and otherwise, largely through his own doing, for most of his life.

But now? Not so much, buddy. HipHopLawyer just bought a sweet house, with a backyard and a pool, in a place where mature affluent people live. He has achieved this despite his failure to grow in any way emotionally -- he now has a hot girlfriend 11 years his junior, plus a flashy sports car. What a great fucking country this is, HipHopLawyer frequently thinks.

2. HipHopLawyer once banged the hottest girl in the entire 199x class of Accounting majors at his university. (which one? let's just say it was A Large University in Texas). The "hottest girl" claim was verified by two horndog accounting guys (read: puuure d geeks) who had spent their waking hours considering the question, and who had no earthly reason to fan the substantial flames of HipHopLawyer's (at the time) unwarrantedly large ego. These two dorks practically fell over themselves in reverence when they found out.

But anyway. HipHopLawyer, while being reasonably suave and a swell guy to boot, ain't exactly what you call a ladykiller. The way he did it was: one night, at a drunken brawl of a college yard party, he decided he would scope and determine which girl, among the dozens assembled, was, in the parlance of the day, the finest girl there, and then go up and hit on her, and damn the consequences. After much scoping (and several trips to the phalanx of kegs), he picked one (her name, as it turned out, was Paula). After a moment of review, to ensure the validity of the "finest" tag, he walked straight up to her and introduced himself: "Hi. My name is Trent Reznor."

Paula then, without any visible glitch, introduced herownself. She commented on his hat, his shirt, his jeans, and his footwear: in order: (i) a black baseball cap with neon block letters stating "NIKE", (ii) Guess, (iii) Girbaud(!), and (iii) Red Wings (condition: falling apart, literally, at the seams). Apparently HipHopLawyer was suitably dressed.

Later (after we had already made out near the keg phalanx), one of HHL's buddies came up to him and Paula and -- purely incidentally and not in a cock-blocking manner at all -- called him by his actual first name. This, inevitably, caused the almost-sober Paula to double-take. "But I thought you said your name was Trent...?" Much hilarity ensued, as HHL eventually produced his driver's license, and explained that "Trent Reznor" was actually a (at the time) little known musician, and was used by HHL as a pseudonym when hitting on women whom he (typically, rightly) assumed would shoot him down.

Paula had a good (and good-natured) laugh at this. And the rest... well, the two dorky accounting majors know the rest.

28 comments:

Gleemonex said...

Hey, goddammit, ever wanna call a bitch?? (by which I mean, holy crap, share some news every once in awhile, HHL!) ;-)

Remember when you used to give your name to, like, restaurant wait lists as Kurt (Kirk?) Hammett, or other members of Metallica? Heh.

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