Saturday, February 23, 2008

Stuff White People Like

Via Gleemonex: A very clever blog chronicling the things that White People can't get along without. Below are a few of my favorites with some excerpts, but it's worth reading through pretty much the entire thing:

Japan: "White people love Japan for a number of reasons. Sushi is pretty much the biggest one, since white people have spent so much time Sushi restaurants, enjoying the food, learning about how to eat it, and how to be snobby about it."

Lawyers: "Please note that when around white people, that it is social suicide to admit or state that you don’t have a regular lawyer."

Kitchen Gadgets: "White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food." and "Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married."

Living By the Water: "But when you think long term, it’s important to realize that all white people either own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water." and "To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life."

Vintage: "First, it allows them to say “oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for $3.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious ‘indie’ cred.

Secondly, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people." and "By having at least one vintage, unique piece of furniture in a room full of Ikea, white people can still tell themselves that they are unique and cooler than their friends."

Arts Degrees: "If they are REALLY ambitious and need to make money, they can take that degree and go to Law School."

Whole Foods: "This is in spite of the fact that Whole Foods is a profit driven-publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable."

Sushi: "Regardless if you are vegetarian, vegan, or just guilty about eating meat, all white people love Sushi. To them, it’s everything they want: foreign culture, expensive, healthy, and hated by the ‘uneducated.’"

Indie Music: "To a white person, being a fan of a band before they get popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever!"

Apple Products: "White people also need iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, AirPort Express stations, and anything else that Apple will produce. Because you need to express your uniqueness by purchasing everything that a publicly traded company produces."

Arrested Development: "Firstly, since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally."

Renovations: "All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Much like how Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete."

Breakfast Places: "If you plan on dealing with white people, it would serve you well to know some local breakfast places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at 80s night. In white person law, if you meet someone at 80s night and then go out for breakfast the next morning, then you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions."

The Daily Show: "It is comforting for white people to see boring celebrities get interviewed in a funny fashion. It fills their need to do something productive, but also not work that hard at it."

Marijuana: "White people are also willing to spend over $500 on smoking devices just to find new and more expensive ways to smoke weed."

Snowboarding: "White people enjoy activities that cost a lot of money and require expensive clothes."

Manhattan: "Often times if you ask a white person about where to travel, you will get a lot of responses. But if you ask them about New York, white people will go nuts. They love the city universally and all either live there, have lived there, will live there or want to live there."

: "Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine growing regions."

: "The second type of white person travel is Third World. This is when they venture to Thailand, Africa or South America. Some do it so that they can one up the white people who only go to Europe."

"Gifted Children "I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run."


Gleemonex said...

Um. Check, check, check, check, etc. ad infinitum ... ;-)

Anonymous said...

What is this about? I'm white and NONE of the above things apply to me, in fact this makes me think all white people are assholes, and obviously their not. And to prove a point WTF is a permanent lawyer? I don't have a temporary one. I've never eaten sushi in my life, and i like rap no that indie rock. I find alot of the above comments pretty offensive.

Anonymous said...

You niggers are so dumb. Here is my list. Hopefully it doesn't offend you.

Dream in life-Niggers tend to want to end up in prison, or dead from gang life and drugs.

Dream Home-Niggers dreams are to end up in the HOOD. They feel that being the cockroaches of society is their calling

Food-Niggers only want to eat Cool aid and fried chicken all day. This is a common healthy diet for them

Reparations- Niggers tend to feel that they deserve money from the government for slavery (150 years ago) and how they have been mistreated since

Welfare- Niggers DO NOT like to work. Welfare is every niggers dream. If they can get on the list they are living a dream.

Family?-Niggers rarely have fathers. There fathers are bad men and cowards and leave the mothers with the duty. Then the mothers raise their niglets to go out and do the same thing their father did. Its the cycle of black people.

Vehicles- Every nigger dreams of having at least 20 inch rims on their vehicle. No matter how much of a piece of shit their car is the niggers natural reaction is to spend all of the money he isn't spending on drugs to get "rims"

Jewelry- Every nigger wears fake chains and fake earrings and pretend they are real. Niggers tend to call this "ice"

Racism-When things tend to not go the right way for the nigger it is immediately the white mans fault and he is racist. Even when it is clear that the white man is better at what they are doing 95% of the time.

Affirmative Action- A niggers only chance of getting in college. Niggers love this because they can have really bad grades but still get into schools over smart people.

The Word Nigger- Niggers love to insult themselves by using their own racist words against someone. A nigger will call another nigger "nigga" over and over and think it is cool. When a white person says it. He is RACIST.

Hopefully I didn't offend anyone.