Concerning the "safety" of our children

Our schools are dens of iniquity! Our children are in danger! We must do all we can to protect them!

But this time, it's not drugs, or terrorists, or kidnappers, or rapists.

Student suspended for buying candy in school:

Yes, our children must now be protected -- at all costs! -- against the scourge of... Skittles.

Much like in the case of the toilet lady story, this headline is, counter-intuitively, an accurate description of the story it heads. An eighth grader was suspended and stripped of his class vice presidency for purchasing an illicit substance on the campus of his Connecticut school; namely, Skittles.

I encourage reading the entire article, but let's hit a couple of the high points:

Superintendent Reginald Mayo said Wednesday that Sheridan Middle School principal Eleanor Turner just wanted to keep students safe.

You see, she just wanted to keep children safe. From candy.

He said she warned students repeatedly after the school experienced a rash of candy sales in the fall.

I wonder how many individual candy transactions constitute a "rash" of them. "You've been warned about this!!!"

"She [i.e., the school principal] had concerns about the safety of students carrying large amounts of cash in school," Mayo said.

How much cash is required to purchase a black market packet of Skittles these days. I'm sure Skittles Prohibition has driven up the price considerably, but still you gotta wonder about the incidence of violent robbery which might flow from the actual increase in the amount of money these children are bringing to school in order to satisfy their daily Skittles fixes.

Perhaps, once they succeed in ridding the state of New York of call girls, the FBI can address the disturbing epidemic of candy in our nation's schools. Because, as we all know by now, buying candy from illicit middle school candy dealers funds global terrorism.

Snark aside, can you imagine how craven and vacuous a human must be in order to consciously decide to become the Candy Police at a middle school? And how dishonest with oneself one must be to publicly justify such a decision based on the "safety of our youth"? This is the kind of person who encapsulates her sofa cushions in clear plastic. And scoffs at people who don't. And smiles at them, during visits to their homes, while at the same time formulating the nasty gossip she will begin to spread about them the moment she leaves: "I smelled alcohol on his breath. Of course, they have a cabinet just full of wine glasses. And I heard she used be in AA but dropped out. I don't let my Sarah go over there anymore."